Originally blogged May 20, 2012
Saturday morning I opened the back door to let our dog Sola out and right at my feet was a tiny baby sparrow. We have a nest in our eaves and I've been watching the busy sparrow mama for a few months. I called to my husband, "Babe, come look at this cute baby bird - " but sooner than I could finish the sentence, Sola attacked! Mouth open, wolf instinct rearing! That little bird fluttered and jerked and sweet little Sola did her best to keep that struggling bird in her mouth. I proceeded to scream, "STOP, NO, SOLA, NOOOO!" She kept at it and I yelled for my husband, "Hurry, come save this bird! SOLA'S EATING A BIRD." With a little more panicked screaming (sorry neighbors) Sola dropped the bird and proceeded to run in circles with her tail tucked, clearly wanting to pounce but not wanting to get in trouble, until finally she climbed under my polyester house Mumu. My husband finally came, picked up the alive though clearly non-operational bird and decidedly threw it into our neighbor's yard...where it has likely been eaten by their 2 dogs. I gasped, "You are going to hell for that! You will have to account for this on your day of reckoning!" Perhaps I was a little frazzled as I had been up since 4 am.
What does this have to do with auditions? Well, I'm still working that out. If I was thinking more clearly, I'm certain the audition metaphor would present itself.
Between my return home from New Orleans and my departure to Alabama, I had 11 days. Plenty of time to refocus and prepare. But then life set in, and a massive allergy flare up, laryngitis, an awesome cough, and weeklong visit from in-laws, a week off from work for my husband, and a very needy 9 year old son...mix...and poof! I have had exactly 1 meaningful practice session in the last 11 days.
I awoke at 4 am on Saturday, cooked meals for the men folk, had national guard drill from 3 - 9 pm with an outdoor concert and then boarded a red-eye flight to the east coast.
The level of not-awesomeness going into this audition is fantastically staggering. There are 2 excerpts on this audition I have never prepared. They remain essentially unprepared.
I go with God on this one.
I guess I'm like Sola and that little baby bird. I have a deep instinct to take these auditions, it's what I have been trained for. So I take them. But at the same time, sometimes I go into these auditions and I know it's all wrong. Either because I'm not prepared, or because I realize I can't imagine moving my family there, or some other reason. Like Sola, I'm biting down instinctually and also trying to resist biting down, dropping the bird and running in circles with my tail between my legs. I have the instinct to embark on this crazy quest but it often feels like I'm running in circles, losing opportunities, afraid to do the very thing I'm trained to do.